Tea Leaves & Vodka

Why Islam is Right (According to Quittib)

2004-10-27T23:14:00.000-07:00

This is a diagram based on the beliefs of a fanatical Muslim philosopher named Quittib (or a spelling somewhat similar). This diagram depicts the three prophets who spoke with God. All three religions(Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) agree that these three people spoke with God; they just argue over who got the message right. And to demonstrate why the Muslims are right, Quittib theorized the above diagram. The line at the top represents God(or Allah[it's the same thing]) and the line at the bottom represents common people. So the three prophets are thus closer to the God line than other people.

First, Abraham spoke to God and had God's message correct. But, as he passed the message down, his followers, the Jews, got it wrong and thus declined back to the common level. Later, Jesus spoke with God. He also had God's message correct, but again, when he passed it on to his followers, they got it wrong, and thus also declined back to the common level. In addition, his disciples fabricated the story that Jesus was the son of God in order to convert more followers, which is why there is a question mark linking God and Jesus. Quittib believes that it must be fabricated because God is divine and people are not. Therefore, there can be no half human-half divine demi-god; it would be like trying to cross a cat and an elephant - impossible.

Finally, the third and last prophet, Mohammud, speaks not with God, but with the angel Gabriel. Gabriel tells him that God is disappointed that the other two prophets screwed his message up, so this time God gave to Mohammud, through Gabriel, the rules of morality & rules on how to govern the ideal society. After receiving God's message, Mohammud ruled a society using the rules laid out by God and it was, in all respects, perfect. But as all humans do, Mohammud eventually died(after a short time), and, just as with the other two prophets, his successors screwed up God's teachings, and the Muslim culture declined back to the common level.

So, Quittib's reasoning is that since Muslims had God's teachings right for the longest period of time, people should realize that Muslims are better at keeping God's words pure than the other two religions, and therefore, people of the other two faiths should convert to Islam.

Passionately Retarded

2004-09-19T15:42:00.000-07:00

Last night I saw the funniest, feel-good movie of the year. Can you guess what it was? That's right; The Passion of the Christ. That movie was hilarious! I loved how all the jews except for Jesus had noses bigger than mine, and how Mel says it isn't racist. But the funniest part was the retarded, malignant devil child. I can't say I remember that character from the bible, but if Mel says it was there, who am I to argue?

And, to make it even funnier, we watched it with "Narration for the Visually Impaired." I swear, I was expecting it to say something along the lines of "and then they hit Jesus. And then they hit him again. And again. And again. And again. And....................." But instead they had a much less funny naration talking about how the flatulents whiped him. Wait......The flatulents!? Who the fuck decided to name them the flatulents!? But in any case, the best part was when Jesus would talk when we had it on Narrative Mode. Now, I know Jesus looks like a girl, but I didn't think he was supposed to sound like one. But, apparently Mel thought he should, so he had a woman do the fucking voice of Jesus! Goddamit Mel, you're a fucking idiot!

But I must say; the movie was so good that it inspired Garrett, Chris and I to do our own version of The Passion. I got to be Jesus! Woohoo! I dressed up like him in Garrett's monk outfit and we even made a thorny crown for me to wear. They beat the shit out of me with belts, crucified me, and made me admit that everything I preached was bullshit. It was one of the most awsome things I've done in my entire life!

So in closing, now that I know what Jesus went through, am I allowed to start wars that kill millions of inncocent people, or do only true sons of God get to do that?

2004-09-17T21:53:00.000-07:00

Hey all. At this point I believe that I'm going to decomission my blog. I really hate updating, and hate it even more when people nag me to update my blog as a result of my loathing (and therefore procrastination) of updating. Plus, this blog wasn't even my fucking idea in the first place. So, if any of you want me to keep it, just tell me so, but if not: ta ta tlandv.

In any case, man~ana we're going to start filiming our bondesque film at my place. It's probably going to end up sucking, but I enjoy making movies, so either way, it's worth it. And, today we had the first meeting of the IFC. Neyht & Eliot showed the Movie that Josh Fucked Up & Third Time's the Charm. They were ok, but it was really funny to see what I looked like freshman year.

Also, in other news, Yuri challenged me to a fight today. Ha! Yuri, that was pretty funny. The fact that you think you could beat me actually made me laugh. And in any case, Yuri, I don't start fights; I end them. Plus, I'd rather avoid the lawsuit, and not have to pay your hospital bill. So the answer is no.

So in closing, I'd just like to remind ya'll to tell me if you want me to keep the blog up 'n' running.

2004-08-25T22:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I just got back from L.A., and no one is safe. Ha ha ha ha ha! I learned how to pick pretty much any lock there is, so hide your valuables well. In other news, I didn't get certified cause I was there one day short of what it takes to become certified, and I no longer hold my cousins in high esteem. Why? Because I rented Monty Python and the Holy Grail, watched it with them, and none of them found it funny. What uncultured pricks!(circumcised pricks, of course).

Any hoo, I just got back from Arena Check in, and that really blew, although I did get to see Garrett. After that, though I thought I was going home, my dad decided to take me shopping for clothes I didn't need. Low and behold, we get to the store, and he says, "You need any clothes?" Funny dad, cause if you had asked me that before we left, we could have saved ourselves a fucking half hour! But it wasn't all bad, cause I needed a book at B&N anyway, which just so happens to be right next to the Antique Coast Guard.

So all in all, I got books, didn't get clothes, and after about a fucking hour's wait, got an I.D. Photo.

Muller, You Bastard.

2004-08-18T22:30:00.000-07:00

Godammit Muller! I Just looked at Muller's blog for the first time today and he used the same skin as mine. And, seeing as how I created mine first, he fucking stole it. Come the beginning of school, Muller, you can expect my foot to be shoved up wherever those of German heritage traditionally shove things.

As for the iPod situation, I think I'll take Garrett up on his advice. Once it stops working, I'll just blame my dad! Thanks Garrett.

Off to L.A.

2004-08-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

Hey all. Well, instead of flying to L.A. like I was supposed to, I get to drive! Seven Fucking hours of Traffic at the least. Not to mention that it's with my Dad's friends who have a daughter my age, with whom I have almost nothing in common. Boy will this be fun!

But good news! Or is it bad? I can't tell, so you decide. My dad is going to get me an ipod. Good news because I can take my music with me where ever I want. Bad news because ipods are from the eviler side of the computing border; god I hate macs. So it's a dilemma. Should I agree to the ipod, or should I ask for another present?(The ipod is a birthday present). Please give me your input.

Back from Vac(aville)

2004-08-10T20:14:00.000-07:00

Goddam it was hot up there! Coolest day we had was in the double digits. And by the way, whoever said that there is no such thing as hell on earth was sorely mistaken. There honestly is nothing to do up there! Tony and I went fishing but didn't catch a thing. It's probably because the fish were so fucking drained from the heat that they didn't have enough energy to bite! Other than playing half-way through Kingdom Hearts, I didn't acomplish a damn thing while I was there. And the reason why, you ask? Well, that'd be because there wasn't anything to fucking acomplish in the first place!

As for other ranting material, I just saw the movie Open Water with Chris, and both he and I thought it sucked. Let me sum up the plot for you: Floating...floating...floating with sharks...floating...floating with jelly fish...floating...floating...floating with sharks once more for old times sakes...just a bit more floating...death. What an exciting movie!

To end on a happy note though, on friday I'm going up to L.A. to work for my uncle, plus I'm going to get SCUBA certified. That's right....compare your pathetic lives to mine and then kill yourselves.

And finally, a closing line for all you padi fans: NAUI RULES!!!!!!

Up to Mom's

2004-07-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

My summer is about to get almost as bad as it was last summer (for those of you except for neight, who already knows, my last summer sucked incredibly).

I am going up to my mom's house for about three weeks. "Why will that suck?" you ask? Well, that is for two main reasons. The first is that I know absolutely no one up there. And when I say that I mean absolutely fucking NO ONE.(I'll invite some of you guys up, but based on what you're about to read, you'll probably decline).

Reason number two is that Vacaville, the city where my mother's house is located, gets very hot in the summer. Wait....did I say "very hot?" I'm sorry, but what I meant to say was "hotter than death fucking valley!" On a "cool" summer day(which I have to add doesn't occur very fucking often), it will be about 102 fucking degrees! And I have to spend THREE fucking weeks up there.

And what does this prove? That there really is no god.

Ridiculing Riddick

2004-06-18T22:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I went with chris to see "The Chronicles of Riddick." I can't say that I'd call it a movie, but more of a Sci-Fi enthusiasts wet-dream. That was the worst movie I have seen in my entire life. First of all, the only good actor in it had like five lines, and the worst actor in it was the main fucking character! The plot made absolutely no sense, and whenever they tried to explain it, it would just get more fucking complicated.

Not only was the fucking plot horrible, but the camera work was almost the worst I've ever seen (the worst I've ever seen being the camera work in "The movie Josh fucked up" a.k.a. "Liquid Strike II: Brotherhood of vengence."). They had the shot of riddick shown above like fifteen times in the movie. I guess they thought that since it sucked the first time, that by the end of shooting it the fifteenth it might fucking look good!

Another thing that helped to ruin the movie were the "sniffing squads." These were comprised of old men wearing back-lit scuba masks. I guess that if you wear a back-lit scuba mask, it gives you the ability to smell people seventeen fucking miles away!

All in all, I guess you could summarize it like this: The cast of Chronicles of Riddick could take acting lessons from me and fucking tyler!!!

Opening Post

2004-06-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

Before I even start, I'm going to tell you that I have absolutely nothing new or interesting to say, unless of course it's about Jesus, but you wouldn't want to hear that anyway. Basically all I'm going to do is rave and rant about all things that piss me off in the world.

Secondly, as for the title, Neight is the only person who will get it so don't even try.

With all of that out of the I have to make public my feelings on tyler and his "military expertise." UNless you've got a life you've seen Expendable, and tyler played a role in it. Now understand this---up to this point, tyler bragged and boasted about how he knew EVERYTHING about the Marines and thought he'd make a good one.......Of course you would tyler, of course you would. In any case, having bragged about this "knowledge" of his for so long, we had all come to expect that he might actually know what the fuck he was talking about when it came to the military.

But, knowing tyler, was it really even a surprise that he didn't know how to even fucking salute! Four words tyler: You fucking douche bag!!! If you go around telling everyone how fucking much you know about the military, then at least learn something about it!